There comes a time in most women's lives where they are concurrently sexually active and desperately trying not to get pregnant. Married, single, swinging, what have you, we all go through it. During that period of time, you generally think you are pregnant at least once a day.
Logic goes out the window. Ok, rationally, I KNOW I need to have had sex within the last few weeks, at least, but what if, some how, some, like, SUPER sperm was just holed up in there waiting for ovulation day?
Feel a little nauseous today? Pregnant.
Warmer than normal? Pregnant.
Right foot itchy? DEFINITELY PREGNANT.
It doesn't matter if pregnancy is, in fact, the least likely cause of your minor ailment (see: too many burritos, effing summer and poison ivy for above). If you are desperately trying not to be pregnant (say, oh, you're still 25 and poor-ish and getting married in 3 months and living in a shitty one bedroom apartment like myself), then every abnormal thing can and will be taken by your brain to baby land.
Shows such as "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" only encourage this neurosis. I don't want to be one of those clueless women! I must be ever vigilant, you say to yourself. And God help you if you Google your symptom with the words "sign of pregnancy" because there is for sure one woman out there for whom the first sign of pregnancy was a runny nose and she will be happy to tell you all about it on some message board.
I like to think I'm not stupid. I went to graduate school and all that. I know the most common legitimate signs of pregnancy, what conditions you need to get pregnant and how to best prevent pregnancy. And yet, I have absolutely purchased pregnancy tests I knew I did not really need just to stop that little voice in my head from asking me just where I expect to put a crib in this tiny apartment.
Perhaps the most annoying thing about all of this is that I can't expect it to stop until I'm menopausal, because I know that it will be just as bad when I WANT to be pregnant and am looking for reasons to pee on the stick. Then, having had a baby, it will go back to "deargoodnesspleasenoIcanthandlemorerightnow". So heads up politicos-you don't need to be worried about the contents of my uterus. I do plenty of worrying for all of us.
Side note, I told my fiancé I was going to write this post and he responded that I should not because karma will ensure that I become actually pregnant any minute now. Here's hoping karma isn't that much of a bitch.
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