Unspoken Rules for Commuter Train Riders

I've been riding my local commuter train for over five years now. I've come to the conclusion that SOME people need to be handed a written list of the heretofore unspoken rules of the commuter train that make the ride more pleasant for everyone.

1. If it is before 9 a.m. the train is generally quiet. This is because people are sleeping, or trying to. If you hold a conversation loud enough for all to hear, you are an asshat. You don't want to sleep, fine. You want to hold a conversation, that's fine too, but let's keep it respectfully quiet, ok?

2. Speaking of conversations, here are some guidelines:

• Recognize that there is a time and place for sensitive discussions. If you want to express your political opinions, however dumb they may be, fine. But be aware that if you are speaking loudly and angrily enough that others can hear you and you work in Washington, DC, it is highly likely that you will not only offend someone (not that you care, obviously, or you wouldn't need this list) but also that someone nearby is personally acquainted with the individual you are bashing. Or works for them. Or is them. And they may fight you, or tell your boss unflattering things about you. You just never know.

• For the love of cake please keep your cell phone conversations to a minimum. Yes, we all have times when we need to let someone know we're on our way or to pull the chicken out of the fridge. But why, why do I have to listen to you run through the list of things in your fridge and then dictate how to make grilled cheese all the way home? No one on the train needs to know how your doctor's appointment went. This is a perfect time to bust out the text message.

3. No touching! I can't tell you how many times I've been minding my own business in my seat when I feel a thigh press up against mine. And stay there. Clearly, the person next to me doesn't mind our flesh pressed together. But I do. These people are either have no respect for personal space or, what's worse, know that it's likely that I will scooch further into my already cramped seat to avoid feeling their warm leg, thus giving them more space than they are allotted. Nefarious.

4. You paid for one seat. You use one seat. Now, if it is the middle of the day and the train car is practically empty, sprawl all you want. But when it is rush hour and you are happily sitting next to your backpack while the rest of us are jammed so tightly together we create heat, I'm going to ask you to move your bag so I (or someone, at least) can sit. Don't give me that look. Unless your bag is full of something so precious it can't be jostled, in which case you probably shouldn't have it on public transportation, you can put it on your lap or the floor like the rest of us. Heck, on my train people even put their kids on their laps to make room for others. And they're a lot more precious (not to mention hot and wiggly) than your bag.

5. Please, please stop tempting me with your delicious-smelling McDonald's food. If you must eat on the train, couldn't you choose something that doesn't have a scent? Especially a greasy, fried, delicious scent? I think we all know the pain of sitting next to someone having crispy golden French fries while we have nothing. The scent, which is enviable. The sound of them masticating near your ear, which is disgusting. Please no. How about a nice banana instead?

These are only a few of my many complaints re: the commuter train. Still, it (usually) gets me into the city reliably, relatively cheaply, without my adding driving my car to my environmental imprint for the day. So for that, I am thankful, and will continue to patronize the train despite the behavior of the other passengers.

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